Can I put this tiny sombrero on your penis?

 


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When I was younger I found this sombrero collection in our crawl space, because who doesn’t have a collection of different sized sombreros somewhere in their house right? One of the sizes was small enough to fit on like, a little doll, or a cat, which would be super cute and hilarious, but me being who I am, my first thought was that it was clearly the perfect size to fit on a penis; that night while I was fooling around with my boyfriend at the time (we are still friends, and I’m sure he will just love this throw back) I put this little sombrero on his dick and laughed forever.

Now this story is genuinely weird, but the best part was a few weeks later when we were all having dinner at my sister and her husband’s house, and my boyfriend felt it appropriate to tell my nephew-in-law that I like putting tiny sombreros on his dick as a strange form of foreplay, and I am not kidding you, I don’t think he had spoken to me since.

My life is one awkward moment after another, join the laughter.

😂😂😂

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Uterus deep

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I love getting my period, but it’s because I suffer from a serious case of pregnancy paranoia, in spite of always using protection.

Sometimes I worry about getting my period, even if I haven’t slept with anyone since my last period, even if I haven’t slept with someone in months.

There are 2 things I mark by the arrival of my period:

  • Yay, no babies!
  • Sweet, me and ‘insert boyfriends name’ aren’t knocked up

Or, if it’s the first period after a break up:

  • Sweet, now I can actually move on from ‘insert ex-boyfriends name’ now that I know I’m not carrying his big, dumb child.

 

Although I said I love getting my period, loving actually having my period is a completely different story, and I know every single woman feels the same, so I asked a bunch of my friends to tell me what it’s like having their period and this is what I ended up with:

 

  • “The worst experience in the world, well no, I’m sure there are worse things, but like absolute death.”
  • “Like the most pressure you have ever felt inside your abdomen.”
  • “Like someone is stabbing you in the stomach”
  • “It’s like… This loving organ that wants you to have babies, and if you don’t have babies, it gets fucking pissed. Your period is your uterus raging on you, stabbing you, and screaming, “YOU LACK OF A WHORE, YOU’RE STILL NOT PREGNANT?!”
  • “It’s like having children! It’s fucking annoying and when it’s not bugging you, and you forget about it, then you have a fucking mess to clean up!”
  • “It’s your uterus rioting against you for not getting pregnant, for the thousandth month is a row…”
  • “Like something kicked you in the uterus, than setting it on fire.”
  • “Hell”
  • “Emotional turmoil ending in your uterus trying to kill you, but you’re happy about it.”
  • “Like you’re dying.”

 

It feels like your uterus is trying to claw it’s way out of you via your vagina, angry little thing.

 

Having your period is like riding an emotional roller coaster that can only be slowed by chocolate cake, carbs, and snuggles, but eating those makes us feel like pudgy, sad, bloated losers, and sometimes you have nobody to snuggle, so the roller coaster takes off again; soon that subsides though, and you get to be in constant pain, but act as though you’re not, and your vagina starts crying bloody tears that are really only being held back by a giant cotton ball shoved up there.

Basically you’re just hanging by a thread for about 10 days.

Doesn’t it just grow back? (adult)

I’m not really one for a one-night stands, but this one night out ‘celebrating’ the end of a terrible relationship, alcohol informed me, I was in fact into one-night stands on this particular occasion.

My friend introduces me to this guy, she says, “you guys both go to SAIT, you’re welcome”

Now.. I don’t really drink, so I get rather very extremely drunk.. This guy had the pleasure of listening to me puke, rubbing my back, and falling asleep beside me for a few hours; oh but don’t worry, he wasted no time in the morning. (I know you were worried, you were thinking, where is this going?)

I woke up to a boner pressed against my leg, super hung over, super disoriented, and before I could even start to form a thought that might lead to an audible sound, he is on top of me.

He is kissing my neck, my chest, biting my nipple.. Okay really biting it… OKAY TRYING TO BITE IT OFF?!

I yelp,

~~Oh my God did this guy just try and bite my nipple off? Who is this guy?~~

So I ask, “Are you trying to bite it off?!”

He says, “..wouldn’t it just grow back?”

I bluntly respond, “I need to go home now..”

So I experienced my first and last one-night stand. I value my nipples, we have been together for 23 years, I like the little guys.

Signed,

No.. They don’t grow back